Teaching Tania - Love is all you need??? Read online

  “Russia? Isn’t that where they have those dreadful communist chappies?”

  “I believe you’re right. But I’m not sure if they have them any more.”

  “Oh, I say, are you sure?”

  “Well, not exactly, but I seem to remember reading something about it in the Times. I don’t normally read the newsy bit. Must have been a day when the cricket was rained off.”

  “Better safe than sorry, all the same. Let’s turn her down anyway.”

  “Good idea, old chap. I’ll tell her!”

  “Why not me? You get all the fun.”

  “Sorry, old boy, seniority and all that! Now look here, young miss, we don’t let any old Tom Dick and Harry into jolly old England, and we’re certainly not having a Tania. So toddle off back to the dark ages and never darken our doorstep again!”

  And, Tania, if you think that this is the worst you’ll ever come across, I’m sorry to have to tell you that the British have one of the most civilized visa application services in the world. Apparently the French can be particularly nasty and I have heard that the Americans can attain a level of cruelty and discourtesy unmatched by any other nationality. But I expect it will be some years yet before you have to face such ordeals. In the meantime, your current problems with your Mum are sufficient good practice for the later trials of adult life. But this is what growing up is about, isn’t it?

  Best wishes,

  Your teacher,

  J.

  Chapter 4. Advice to a distraught mother

  Dear Tania’s Mum,

  Thank you for your letter. I note with pleasure that your English grammar and spelling continue to improve, although your handwriting seems to be getting worse. This could be the first signs of a nervous condition. If you are also constantly dropping cups of tea and letting wine glasses fall on the floor, these could be significant symptoms.

  While I can understand the reasons for your psychological instability, you have a slight tendency to over-dramatise events. You may not believe this, but there are many children whose behaviour is much worse than your daughter’s. You should try to relax more and take these little incidents less seriously.

  I read your letter several times and devoted a considerable time to reflection on its contents. Ideally, I would have liked to advise you to ignore your daughter’s relationship with Honza, this being a normal phase which almost all children go through without any lasting physical or emotional damage. However, in your daughter’s case, I am forced to agree that a certain amount of circumspection on your part would not be out of place. Do you know the English word ‘impetuous’? If not, look it up in a good dictionary, because I’m afraid it describes your daughter to a ‘T’.

  On the other hand, while I feel the situation merits keeping a discrete eye on her, I do not approve of outright spying. Even children are entitled to certain civil liberties.

  So I think you should take the Traffic Policeman’s outfit back to the Fancy Dress Shop. First of all it’s immoral to resort to such subterfuges, and secondly, it’s not very convincing – the idea of a small slim woman like you being a fascist thug just doesn’t hold water. And wandering about town in a false moustache carrying a newspaper with a hole in the middle is only going to get you arrested.

  Nor do I support your idea of the private detective. The problem is that your knowledge of private detectives is restricted to amiable amateurs like Mr. Holmes or the lovable Miss Marples from our famous Mrs. Christie. These are excellent examples of this genre of literature but they are somewhat lacking in realism. May I recommend the novels of the American writers Mr. Raymond Chandler and Mr. Dashiel Hammet? You will find their language a trifle brash and disturbing, but they do present a realistic picture of the personality of the typical private investigator. On reading their works, you will soon come to the conclusion that there is perhaps no-one less suitable to be put in contact with an innocent twelve-year-old girl.

  In any case, I see no point in pursuing activities of surveillance only. If you are seeking a long-term solution to your problem, you need to take firm and positive action to cool the friendship between your daughter and the gallant young Honza.

  Forbidding them from seeing each other is unlikely to work. Experience has proved over and over again that such action only serves to strengthen the unwanted bonds. And, in your case, such a restriction would be impractical, as both children are in the same class at school.

  Friendship is based on the pursuit of common interests and herein lies the secret of breaking up their relationship. At the moment they are both interested in cultural and educational activities, like music, literature, poetry, art, languages and computers, and they share a genuine desire to maximize the benefits of education.

  So here’s what you have to do. Buy Tania a full collection of boring repetitive pop records with no melody and a lot of bass and drums. Make her go to the hairdresser’s twice a month, and encourage the copious use of multi-coloured dyes. I haven’t noticed if she has had her ears pierced, but, if not, get it done right away and throw in the lips, nose and eyebrows for good measure. Eulogise on the high fashion value of torn leather clothing. And spend hours talking to her about the joys of the expressive use of make-up in strong primary colours. I can promise you that Honza will soon become disenchanted with the reconstituted Tania.

  The problem is that you may not like this transformation too much yourself, but, whenever love is involved, someone has to make a few sacrifices.

  Of course, you could keep the Tania you know and (sometimes) love, and try to change Honza instead. But this would be more difficult as he doesn’t actually live with you.

  All in all, I think the best thing is to let time take care of the situation. In the meantime, keep your eyes and ears open. Should you, for example, find piles of ‘Bride and Home’ magazines under Tania’s bed, fell free to get in touch with me again right away,

  Wishing you continued improvement in your mental condition,

  Tania’s teacher,

  J.

  Chapter 5 A first lover’s quarrel

  From : [email protected]

  To :[email protected]

  Subject: NO! NO! NO! NO!

  Hi Honza,

  I’m afraid I need your help, and it’s urgent. I’ve just finished today’s lesson with Tania. We were working on unusual and rather elegant conditional structures, and she was giving me some examples.

  If I were to go to Gretna Green, I could get married without my parent’s permission.

  Were I to elope with Honza, Scotland would be a good place to choose.

  Should we run off to Scotland, our parents couldn’t stop us.

  My problem is that I was so impressed by Tania’s wonderful grasp of these poetic grammatical structures that I didn’t really pay any attention to the content of what she was saying. It was only after she had left that the awful truth dawned on me. Obviously, we can’t let her go ahead with this latest brainstorm, and this is where you come in.

  So, basically, when Tania turns up on your doorstep with her backpack full of toothbrushes, pyjamas and soft cuddly teddy bears, a radiant smile on her face, and brandishing coach tickets to Edinburgh, I’m relying on you to say NO. This will be difficult, but ‘a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do’. I apologise profusely my uncharacteristic lapse into a horrible American cliché, but I have a point to make.

  I warn you that if you succumb to her demands, the consequences will be dire. The last time she tried such a trick, her mother, with absolutely no experience whatsoever, managed to embroil the police and the army. Now, being well practiced in the art of retrieving wayward children, she will undoubtedly make an appeal for a UN special force. Let’s hope she doesn’t get on the line to the US president, or we’ll all be bombed out of existence.

  I’m terribly sorry to land this on you, as it will be your first lover
’s quarrel. My normal advice to young men is such circumstances is to give in gracefully, as they have no chance of coming out the winner anyway. In your case, however, failure is a luxury you can’t afford. It’s a shame for you, but life deals everyone a hard blow from time to time.

  Confrontation is therefore unavoidable, and I’m afraid you are about to discover an unexpected and not too pleasant aspect of Tania’s character. Please resist the temptation to blame her too much, she cannot help it as she is, after all, a woman, even if in the embryonic stage. She is therefore in the relentless grip of her hormonal changes, so all tendency to rational and logical thinking will have flown out the window.

  So there is really no point in resorting to reasoned argument, which will get you absolutely nowhere. For example,

  YOU – We don’t have a visa for the UK;

  SHE – So you really don’t love me after all

  YOU – They won’t let us get married at twelve years old, even in Scotland

  SHE – So you really don’t love me after all

  YOU – How would we get money to live, we’re too young to work?

  SHE – So you really don’t love me after all

  Et cetera.

  In this situation, recourse to the principles of logical thinking is totally inappropriate. You need to fight fire with fire. So, when you see Tania standing there at your door with her little rucksack and her plastic bag of fruit, bread and cheese for the journey, get in there quick before she has the chance to open her mouth.

  “Listen babe, we ain’t going to Scotland to tie the knot and that’s it!”

  The American accent is unfortunately obligatory. Who could believe such rubbish spoken in any other accent?

  To carry this scene off successfully, you must also have the right costume. Denim jacket and jeans are good, but if you have a T-shirt, judiciously torn to reveal bulging chest muscles, this would be better. And a suitable inscription on the front, for example “ Strakonice Strongman Contest 2001 – Winner”, would be ideal.

  I apologise again for forcing you to do this, but I’m afraid it’s necessary. In a way you could regard it as an honour to have so much responsibility thrust on you at such an early age. But the Americans are waiting in the wings, B52 engines running and impatient fingers poised over red buttons, waiting that momentous phone call from Tania’s Mum.

  Your country needs you!

  Tania’s teacher,

  J.

  Chapter 6 Tania’s new friend

  Dear Tania,

  First of all, can I congratulate you on your wise decision to abandon your intended trip to Scotland? All of us are extremely relieved and your Mum’s health will be so much the better as a result. I too have noticed that Honza often talks a lot of sense, albeit sometimes in an American accent, and I’ve even thought of mentioning his calming influence on you to your Mum. But perhaps she’s not quite ready for that yet.

  Thank you for another nice piece of homework, well up to your usual high standards in grammar and spelling. And I commend you on an unusual and interesting approach to the theme I gave you. When I asked you to write about life in a foreign country I naturally expected you to base your essay on your own experiences here in Prague, and I was quite surprised that you chose to write about someone else.

  It’s very nice for you to have a new friend in your class, and an English native speaker too. Pity she’s an American, but I’m sure you’ll be able to help her with her spelling and grammar.

  And, being a couple of years older than you, Ruthie could be the ideal friend. All girls, once they reach a certain age, have an inbuilt and undeniable need to discuss things which can only be discussed among women. They call it ‘girl talk’, I believe. Being a man, of course I don’t know what these things are, but I have definite evidence that they exist. For example, I have often optimistically approached a group of female humans talking and gesticulating animatedly, only to find that as soon I am within earshot, they either shut up completely or begin talking in an exaggeratedly loud voice about the weather or TV soaps.

  While I remain ignorant of the exact details of these hidden topics of conversation, I am certain that we are not concerned here with the kind of subject about which you can have a tête-à-tête with your mother. But a friend a couple of years older and consequently a modicum more experienced in life would seem to be ideal. Only, being an American, I would not rely too much on any significant quantity of tact or discretion on her part. Of course, I may be stereotyping again, but better safe than sorry.

  I was also impressed by the determination of you and your classmates to welcome her into your fold and ensure that she feels completely at home right away. In general, I approve of your plans for helping integrate her into life in a foreign land. There is one aspect, however, against which I must counsel you strongly.

  I know that you are happy with Honza, and that it must pain you to think that there are others in this world who are not lucky enough to share the same kind of happiness. Lovers of course want the whole world to be in love, but it is an unrealistic ambition. And you will find that trying to pair up the unpaired population is a painful and thankless task. In most cases, thankfully, you will fail completely. In the rare case where you are successful, for the first five minutes the starry-eyed couple will think you are a marvellous matchmaker. But when the first dispute arrives both of the parties will turn on you and you will be transformed instantaneously into a tiresome troublemaker.

  And indeed, apart from getting no thanks for all your trouble, procuring the perfect partner for anyone including your new friend Ruthie is far from the easiest of tasks, and one in which you have no real experience. Have you, for example, ascertained if she is yet ‘ready for love?’

  Before embarking on a scheme to pair up Ruthie, this is something you must find out. Has she yet been through the ‘hopeless adoration’ stage yet?

  It is almost mandatory that, before a girl can get her romantic talons into real flesh and blood, she has to undergo a period of apprenticeship where she experiences an intense infatuation with some unattainable idol. This is usually a film or pop star with a minimal amount of both talent and facial hair. Having disgusting social habits often adds to the idol’s attractiveness. But the strangest thing about this phenomenon, and something which I take pains to point out when describing it to my young male students, is this. The girls don’t seem to mind sharing this unreachable icon with millions of others, but, when they later move onto the real thing, they inexplicably adopt a completely selfish and possessive attitude to their new acquisition.

  The disease of ‘hopeless adoration’ is invariably manifested in an abundance of colour pictures torn carefully from teenage magazines and hung lovingly on the sufferer’s bedroom wall. (True love, of course, is much more discrete. You yourself probably only have a small passport sized photo of Honza tucked into the back of your purse. Don’t let your mother find it!)

  So, my advice is don’t be in a hurry to push Ruthie in the way of true love until you’ve had a chance to inspect her bedroom decoration.

  Your teacher,

  J.

  Chapter 7 Something going on in the classroom

  Dear Alena,

  Thanks for your letter. I am amazed how quickly your English has improved since I stopped teaching you in hospital. I can see you took my advice to begin an intensive programme of reading English literature in English. Your decision to begin with the Complete Works of Shakespeare has lent a quaint touch to your use of grammar which is quite charming really. I should point out, however, that it is not absolutely essential when writing English to restrict yourself to non-rhyming iambic pentameter. And, as a teacher, I wouldn’t insist on it from my students, except perhaps the most talented, like Tania.

  As to the content of your letter, I did find it a bit troubling. The presumption of innocence is an underlying pr
inciple of all democratic judicial systems, even if police, judges and lawyers find it too irksome to actually apply in practice. However, I feel that we, as ordinary people, ought to set an example in the interests of upholding our own civil liberties. But, as we have often had cause to remark, Tania is an exceptional circumstance, and so, when you say that you are “sure Tania had something to do with it”, it is with a saddened heart that I have to agree with you.

  However, I do have some concrete evidence implicating her in the recent events which you mention, so perhaps we should feel less guilty.

  First of all, you may have notice that Tania and a certain other member of your body of pupils, a person of the opposite sex from both Tania and yourself, have of late been sharing a relationship which you might describe as exceedingly chummy. No, in fact, ‘chummy’ is a rather insipid choice of word, we’re talking here of the sort of mindless infatuation which convinces me that Tania could be exposed to one of the works of our late celebrated Mrs Cartland without actually being physically sick.

  One of the by-products of her unstable state of mind is that she seems to want to inflict her affliction onto everyone currently lacking an established romantic connection. She is currently looking for a partner for her new friend Ruthie, but obviously she is not prepared to stop at just one victim. During our last lesson , she happened to remark on the lack of apparent indications of a ‘Mr Cerny’ –either current or prospective. She went on to ask me if I could describe to her the details of the decoration of your bedroom. You probably have no idea what she was getting at, but when she expressed a specific interest in the existence or otherwise of pop or film star posters on your walls, I knew exactly what was going through her head.